You Found Me Out, New York Magazine!

And you've captured me beautifully. The glasses, the hair, the shoving a pill/Altoid in my mouth. My thanks. I'm truly blessed...and even more famous.

I don't need the tranquilizers on the subway anymore and last night marked a first as I also resisted Couples Therapy, the Ch1 special where celebrity has-beens rehash their toxic relationships. I realized, after DMX gave up his bottle to the counselor, that Vienna and Kasey now bore me to tears.

Celebrities should no longer be allowed to name their children. Jeremy Sisto and his babymama named his child Bastian Kick. It's abuse, like Dish trying to sing.

Tebow with the Jets? I'm not sure why this excites me. Maybe breathing life into this cursed franchise?

TG and I are now going to watch American Idol. We haven't followed it, but TG likes the show. I just enjoy the sunshine that is J.Lo and pretend that Steven Tyler is my secret daddy. I vote for Bar-Voice Blonde or Mr. Ponytail.

The Stars Bring New Meaning to the Word "Exhaustion"

Dish has been involved in movie shoots, TV tapings, amateur iPad2 filming and such. I know how exhausting it is to be in show biz. I would crumble under the pressure. Poor Ivy on Smash is wilting, Demi is shrinking, and now The Situation is "exhausted" and seeking treatment for Rx issues. Let's say a prayer for those who have the hardest jobs on Earth, that is if you ignore farmers and laborers in Third World countries.

I am bound to be exhausted if I continue my "Mariska Watch" which will end at 8:05 am when I have to leave for my day job. Most every woman I know is deeply in love with Mariska--or at least obsessed with her--and I am no different. I saw her brilliant self once, but that's never enough. The inexhaustible cast is scheduled to film L&O: SVU on my street and I cannot wait to hear the dung-dung in the middle of the night.

Okay, so I have to reveal major heartbreak. A few weeks ago, during some super Tuesday, TG and I were watching CNN, starring Anderson and John King with his light-up board. They Skyped in Dana Bash, and I sensed a funky vibe across the airwaves. "John and Dana are married in real life," I said to TG, who acknowledged that he did enjoy John and his board. Today, I read on Page Six (their editors must be exhausted!) that they've been separated. What? How? Why? I don't like this.

In happier news, Reese Witherspoon is allegedly pregnacious for the third time. She just can't keep it in her pants.

Ravyoo of Piss in Butts bi Dishcat!

Thus flim z awsom. Antwon Bandarrius z amazen az Zorro th catte. Lots v cyoot kittehs evrywar, it z vry clevre nd i waz transfixed. Rint now!

Run to Angel Feet in NYC!!!

My dogs had been hurting something fierce so I took the advice of renowned massage therapist Patrick Smith, LMT and went to Angel Feet in the West Village. I thought, how could they spend a whole hour on my feet? They're just feet. Well, I ate my words within a few minutes. The staff was very friendly and soon they put me under the spell of Magic Foot Woman who honed in on my problem areas. While I yowled with delicious pain over the knots in my feet, the agony was released by Magic Foot Woman and serenity returned. I wish I could go after every run. I highly recommend Angel Feet.

Sneaking in Smash While Husband Asleep!

When I put on Fashion Police, TG went out for a walk. Then, as I geared up for Smash, he went into the bedroom with his sleeping device (thick book on France). I try to keep my guilty pleasures secret, but after my foot massage, my manicure, the pampering is seeping out.

Smash brought in Bernadette Peters, who stole the damn thing in 90 seconds. My eyes also filled during "Everything's Coming Up Roses." Then, we know how much Dish loves Geezer Sex. If we play our cards right, Anjelica Huston's going to knock knees with the bartender hunk from All My Children. Please let this happen. If it doesn't work out between them, bring in Geezer Emeritus Christopher Plummer to sex Anjelica silly.

In other news, Kim Zolciak and Adriana Lima are preggo again! Those VS models are the embodiment of Astarte, the goddess of fertility. Dr. Conrad Murray is allegedly having explosive diarrhea in jail due to prison food. Maybe they're feeding him Grape Nuts and Kale, Drano for the intestines. Kirk Cameron alleges that he loves all people. He doesn't hate anyone. What about Hitler?

Now Dish is going to get serious.

The Plastic Surgery Is Out of Control!

TG and I settled in for a nice cozy viewing of Entertainment Tonight. Someone resembling Nancy O'Dell sat in the anchor seat. It sounded like her. Sort of seemed like her but no way was it my favorite blond perkfest of yore. She must have had major work done in the facial area--and she was cute as bug's ear as is. I guess it's part of the job but I'm so glad I can look like crap and remain employed.

Speaking of old fogeys, when will sports teams ever learn? So Peyton Manning, whom I adore, might be going to the Denver Broncos, which means Tebow may be traded. Does this make sense? Bring in injured, aging players to replace younger stars of tomorrow? The Yankees are doing the same thing bringing Andy Pettite back to pitch. Can't they do as Hollywood does and look for younger talent on the rise? Let's Moneyball this.

Donald Trump is dissing Rosie again. She got him good on The View oh so long ago, but his words of her not keeping a job echo in ad finitum et nauseam. When she got fired from Oprah, the first thing I thought was that Trump's prophecy seemed to be coming true. I call a major bonfire to exorcise Trump's bad juju and make Rosie a glorious being filled with light.

In happy news, Josh Lucas got hitched. My wish for him is 1. that he is blissful in his marriage. 2. that he's cast as Matthew McConaughey's brother since they are identical (though Josh looks as if he bathes).

Fireflies in the Garden

I don't say this often but you should only see this Julia movie if you *love* her. I only got through about 40 minutes of it before realizing how charmless it was (then I switched to Gossip Girl). There was no spark beyond my frantic search for all Julia moments. Fireflies in the Garden is about messed up people, tragedy and coping with family. You know the title is probably from something poetic, said once during an intense scene. The main issue is that Daddy is a dick. Because of this, everyone suffers. Willem Dafoe is so good playing the paternal jackass but it wasn't enough for me. Ryan Reynolds shows that he can act and he delivers some effective zingers. Julia had some big smiles though I felt bad that she had to wear aging makeup since it made her slightly less beautiful. We all know that real-life Julia's gorgeousness transcends age itself--which made this movie a study in deception.

Please, Julia. A romantic comedy next, starring, beginning and ending with YOU. Co-star with someone as glittery as you--but not 20 years past his prime. Here are my suggestions for co-stars (though no one is as amazing--this comes close):

Daniel Craig
Dominic Purcell
Kiefer Sutherland (JUST KIDDING!)
Ryan Gosling (a little Mrs. Robinson)
SEAN PENN
Johnny Depp
Russell Crowe (ugh, but it could be amazing)
Jim Carrey
Robert Downey Jr.